Marvels of Modern Life

Wellcome to this page of free satire, comment and spoofery.

Originally created as a transcient intervention as an act of rebellion. It is as much a comment on facebook, disinformation and media manipulation as it is a social commentary on our contemporary condition. First created as a stream of writing with daily posts on facebook. Here people can now take their time if they are crazy enough to do so without the ever changing facebook algorythmic influence. There will still be posts on facebook however they will be more concise, edited and punchy.

The content is inspired by the old school books published by Olhams books with titles like ‘The Marvels of Modern Science’ ‘Odhams Motor Manual’ and other publications like ‘Everybody’s Book of Fate & Fortune’ or ‘The Handyman and Home Mechanic’ Clasic books from a time pre internet when you could dismantle a car on your drive and never be able to put it back together. A time when you could build a Nuclear power station in your back garden, or a bomb proof bunker under your stairs. A time when radioactive material was openly on display in Wells Museum.

No none of the characters are based on people I know, well mostly none.

The long read hopefully the long laugh

Sit back snuggle in with a Sipsin Gin, delve into the laughter, with pleasure

 

 

Polly decides to take matters into her own hands and find a cure for COVID19 herself. Polly is very brave to take on this research single handed. But someone has to have a go. Well done Polly, carefull with that Hydrocloric Acid though. Polly is the daughter of Professor George Binary. Polly has a brother Arthur and a sister Lucy. Her best friend is old school chum Margaret. Polly and Margaret were in the same class as Terresa May. Lucy was in the year bellow. Lucy is a very quite young woman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Polly’s Aunt Mable and Uncle George are working on a cure for the current government independently they are determinedly single minded. Mable says the Government have to go.

Uncle George is not actually Pollys Uncle. George used to be Georgina and is Auntie Mable’s partner. Here they are working through the use of noxious smells. They are in the loft of No 10 in the void between no 10 and 11. George and Mable used to work for Gordon Brown and Terresa May. Mable created a very special hiddy hole in her lunch breaks and still has full security clearance. They do look very busy and happy in their work don’t they. It is tough work as there are more noxious smells coming back up at them than they can produce themselves.

Mable has a theory :

Mable remembers David Cameron and George Osborn sneeking in with a couple of hessian sacks before Bozo moved in. Mable thinks that they played an old Bullingdon Club jape on Bozo planting a couple of pigs heads under the floor boards in Bozo’s bedroom. Bozo can not smell anything is wrong because he has long COVID. The staff think it is the smell of napies and keep away as much as possible. If this is the case Mable & George will probably abort the mission. Perhaps their Nephew Arthur may help at some point. It is very lonely work for them but much apreciated all the same. Well done for trying Mable well done George Pip Pip.

 

 

Earlier on I introduced everyone to Polly. So here is Lucy Polly’s sister. As you can see Lucy is very busy. Lucy works for Serco, Lucy is the ‘Test’ department of Test Track and Trace. I will introduce you to their brother Arthur and Nephew Diddy later they are the ‘Track’ and ‘Trace’ part of the outfit. More about these two later. Lucy does not look very happy. Who can blame her as you can see she only has 74 Petri Test Dishes. Lucy is confused because the government say everyone can get a test within 24 hours and Lucy has not even been to the post office since March to pick up more samples. Lucy just does not know what to do. Lucy does not think Polly will come up with a cure but is in admiration of her self confidence and unshakeable resolve. Lucy thinks Polly is deluded but does not want her to know this because the last time Lucy shared what she thought of Polly, Polly spiked her lunch box at school with Psilocybin and Lucy does not want that to happen again considering what happened. Any way here is Lucy as you can see the test tubes are now contaminated with streptomycin, look out Lucy

 

As promised introducing Arthur & Son Diddy, a rare photo of them in the same room together but as you will notice Diddy has been sent to the back of the room because he has been sending people from Norfolk to Glasgow for their Tests. In days gone by Diddy would have been called a ‘Simple Soul’ Here he has been captured idly toying with the mega data control switch that makes a very satisfying ZZZZZZzzzitchZZZ sound as it reaches the balance point between on and off. He does not know what this dial switch does it operates the App on the website that directs people to the nearest test site. It is similar to a domestic dimmer wall light switch that he used to play with at home until he started an electrical fire and burned the house down. This had been his third house since he was five, although the first one does not really count as he had to balance on the back of a sofa to reach it so never really got to the sweat spot he was seeking before it short circuited back to the fuse box that had a faulty trip switch. I digress. Arthur can be clearly seen on the direct line to Dominic Cummings, rumour has it he is also related to this family but only by marriage. Arthur is trying to explain that the Algorithm designed by George his father (The real brains behind the operation again I will post later) has been sorted and debugged, so from now on things will be as promised world beating. Look behind you Arthur.

 

Here he is George or should I say Professor George Binary seen here playing with his Wilson Cloud Chamber at S.O.D.O.F. head office. The look on his face says it all he wants more and he’s going to get it. This has cost the tax payers £344,999,000 plus £1000 split between Polly, Lucy and Arthur. Diddy unfortunately does not even know what day it is so not good with money. More to come from the Binary Family in the future perhaps. Good luck testing, tracking and tracing those particles George.

 

 

 

Arthur Binary develops new Track & Trace app released today. Arthur has decided to follow his sister Polly’s example and developed in his own time an APP based on the innovative method of Cleromancy or Divination by dice. He once read the dice man so thinks he knows about fate he is at this stage completely unaware that Diddy has burned not only the family home down again but S.O.D.O.F. laboratory and is on his way to Barnard Castle. He has heard they still have a very old electric circuit with original brown Bakelite ball switches. The old 20’s/30’s type with a small globe that fits nicely between thumb and forefinger, you can get a really good long buzz out of them if you hold them just right. Neither on nor off an act of Greyness to colour his Binary dominated world. People always seem to turn up in a fire engine though. The question is, is that the hand of Polly or Lucy in the foreground? a hand of fate itself perhaps. Or does someone else call the roll of the dice………. Certainly has Arthurs attention not sure where he could be looking though certainly not the dice.

 

 

The UK is galvanised into action by the news of the new smart phone app that is going to save us and the world. But wait someone is re – studying and checking the stats, it’s Simon top centre and oh no! according to this %100 of 16-34 year olds own a smart phone, but then only %70 of people 55- 64 year olds and my goodness only 18% of over 64 year olds. Look out Granma and Granddad better trade in the Nokia 2010 you keep switched off in the draw. Malcolm also has an awkward question he’s the one third from the right of the two men watching the balloon go up. Malcolm is also known as the ‘Computer’ a nickname from his time at Eton he was severely bullied because he actually knew stuff. Malcolm says that the smart phones have to be switched on for the App to work. Peter, forth right from bottom left is busy letting Dominic know and yes be quick Nancy let Naga and Charlie know bottom right before they begin Breakfast TV. Phew what a busy time they are all having today.

 

Margret is a little put out. Margret has just found out that the Borris/Cummings/Dido Moon shot rapid testing programme will not be free, you will have to pay for it and have a Moon shot passport to access cultural events and mass gatherings in the future. This is going to cramp Margret vapid hedonistic tendencies, narcissist and nihilistic life style. So a very disappointed Margret has decided to take a very rare PJ night in to sort out her collection of ‘Chick Blood Smeared Slides’ Look at those half open eyes, tight lipped expression and Gin flask above her right hand. You can almost feel Margret’s wig rising, someone’s going to cop it, that’s for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Margret is a little put out. Margret has just found out that the Boris/Cummings/Dido Moon shot rapid testing programme will not be free, you will have to pay for it and have a Moon shot passport to access cultural events and mass gatherings in the future. This is going to cramp Margret vapid hedonistic tendencies, narcissist and nihilistic life style. So a very disappointed Margret has decided to take a very rare PJ night in to sort out her collection of ‘Chick Blood Smeared Slides’ Look at those half open eyes, tight lipped expression and Gin flask above her right hand. You can almost feel Margret’s wig rising, someone’s going to cop it, that’s for sure.

Margret has finished sorting the slide collection. Margret is a little put out. Margret has just found out that the Boris/Cummings/Dido Moon shot rapid testing programme will not be free, you will have to pay for it and have a Moon shot passport to access cultural events and mass gatherings in the future. This is going to cramp Margret vapid hedonistic tendencies, narcissist and nihilistic life style. So a very disappointed Margret has decided to take a very rare PJ night in to sort out her collection of ‘Chick Blood Smeared Slides’ Look at those half open eyes, tight lipped expression and Gin flask above her right hand. You can almost feel Margret’s wig rising, someone’s going to cop it, that’s for sure.

Margret is recounting some of the interesting parties attended in the past. Margret is a little put out. Margret has just found out that the Boris/Cummings/Dido Moon shot rapid testing programme will not be free, you will have to pay for it and have a Moon shot passport to access cultural events and mass gatherings in the future. This is going to cramp Margret vapid hedonistic tendencies, narcissist and nihilistic life style. So a very disappointed Margret has decided to take a very rare PJ night in to sort out her collection of ‘Chick Blood Smeared Slides’ Look at those half open eyes, tight lipped expression and Gin flask above her right hand. You can almost feel Margret’s wig rising, someone’s going to cop it, that’s for sure.

is doing some research. Margret is sure that there were cabinet ministers attending, even on occasions the prime minister, and some Russian chaps it was a while ago. Can you spot the most frequent types  met at those rather racy parties.

 

Some exciting news of Arthur. Arthur has been moved from S.O.D.O.F.C.O Track and Trace to the S.O.D.U climate change project. Head office were called by Dom C and Dido H looking into ‘The Problem’ and a new direction for Arthur was found. Arthur had been working on his own initiative on a climate and environmental change project, about to go live with S.O.D.U officially, it relates to his fathers ‘cloud chamber particle tracer. Arthur is very excited it is a huge light gun that can shoot clouds down or measure them depending on the settings it is called ‘Arthurs Research Special Equipment’ A.R.S.E. for short. Talking of which don’t let Diddy see that switch gearing arrangement Arthur. Diddy is due back from his HR medical assessment at Barnard Castle soon. Be careful.

 

 

 

Gus and Chucky the American cousins are becalmed in the Atlantic Ocean somewhere north east of the Azores. It has been like this since the Zombie Hurricane reappeared then disappeared last week. Then out of nowhere Chuckey’s Theodolite has a wobble and massive black hole appears in front of him. Guss has been mesmerized by the readings on the Gyroscopic compass. My god what’s that Chucky exclaimed. His earpiece buzzes into life, Chuckey are you seeing what I think you are seeing Guss says. I don’t know S.O.D.U just told me we are seeing the result of a “Arthur Research Special Equipment, High Orientated Longitudinal Experience and a Happening Event Horizon Eclipse. Oh no not that Guss says Not that Chuckey, never that! In the Azores for fanny’s sake. an ‘A.R.S.E.  H.O.L.E.  H.E.  H.E.’ The world is lost, look into an ARSE HOLE and despair Chuckey and Guss.

 

 

 

One of my avid highly observant Facebook followers has pointed out an uncanny likeness between the fictional character Arthur and Jacob Rees Mogg. Well now! There is an interesting back story here. There is a very strange family in West Harptree called the Moogies they originally lived in Wiltshire near a place called Porton Down. Here is a photo of Dr Moogey and it looks as though he is creating a line of clones. It is possible that Arthur may have been adopted by Professor George and Mrs Elsie Binary. Elsie’s maiden name is Moogey. Could this be the big dark secret that hovers over the Mendips like a bad smell on Wednesday afternoons in October? Here the glasses are being calibrated so a Rees Moog Clone need never drive to Barnard Castle to get their eyes tested, fitted as standard.

 

 

Professor Norman Sipsin was furloughed with a fake letter from Dominic Cumbersnatch in February. Prof Sipsin stock pilled PPE laboratory equipment and tons of alcohol hand cleanser and a range of other toxic chemicals before he left the offices of S.O.D.O.F.C.O Prof Sipsin is Margret father and Sipsin has an entrepreneurial streak. He distils the famous brand of Sipsin Gin, sold as a Niche Hipster Craft Gin with a mark up that would make Waitrose blanch. He also sells it as paint, rust and barnacle remover, Guss and Chuckey use it as an Antifoulent and drink it at the same time unaware that it is simply repackaged in different bottles. ‘Sipsin Gin and Grin Sipsin’ It tastes somewhere between Brasso and Lighter Fuel, leaving an after burn of gritty steel wool. Margret is the sampler, taster and sole focus group for Sipsin Gin; we will see how Margret is doing soon. If you wondered where all those chemicals for testing went, look here is Norman working from home. Little does he know that Lucy has been visiting Margret and contaminated his glass ware with Streptomycin? Oh dear!

 

 

Let’s see what state Margret is in after staying in last night sorting the ‘Chick Blood Smear Slide Collection’ Well Margret has trimmed her wig and does not look too well. The boys at S.O.D.O.F.C.O. think that Margret job is to suck up Mosquitoes into a jar, so that they can be examined for malaria in the blood as part of the COVID19 research programme. At least that is what Margret wrote on the Post Doctoral Welldone Trust funding application. ‘Silly Boys’. Margret is actually tasting, testing and downing a bottle of Sipsin Gin. Margret was in the same year group as Lucy the year bellow Polly. Margret supplied the Psilocybin to Polly to spike Lucy’s lunch box all those tears ago. Margret is not really a bad girl, just misunderstood. Arthur has a soft spot for Margret especially when Margret forgets to take off the marigolds. Arthur says he finds them rather stimulating in a strange kind of way. Don’t think you could prise those hands of the Gin Flask just now Arthur. Margret looks as if she is catching up on some serious drinking. Batch No 139 is going down very well indeed.

 

 

The men from the ministry have asked the S.O.D.O.F.C.O. Human Resources department to check Diddy Binary’s Health and Wellbeing. S.O.D.E.M. a pharmaceutical subsidiary of S.O.D.O.F.C.O. are contracted to provide private health care to S.O.D.O.F.C.O. employees. S.O.D.E.M. has a research lab in Durham and specialist clinic at Barnard Castle. Diddy has had to travel 400 miles to get there. Usually this unit is used as opticians. However, on this occasion they have agreed to examine Diddy with their very special extra big algorithm machine. Molly is monitoring Diddy’s print out patterns and seems to be entranced. I do not think Molly has ever seen these shapes produced before. Clearly Diddy is a very special young man. Diddy is thinking about the controls beside Molly’s right arm. These controls are called Amplifier controls and Diddy wants to play with them, he also wants to get very close to Molly. Molly is looking forward to lunch and is now bored with Diddy’s read out. Molly will very soon become a director of j S.O.D.E.M. joining Dominic Cumbersnatch’s sister Carol and Niece Fenella on the board of S.O.D.E.M. Molly is now dreaming of the off shore tropical Island Molly noticed on the wall of Carol’s bedroom. Molly is starting to have feelings for Carol now. Oh life is so very complicated Diddy what are we to do? Molly is now doodling all over Diddy’s read out.

 

 

Lucy has been given a sparkly new machine to play with and moved from S.O.D.O.F.C.O to another deeper stronger bunker at S.O.D.E.M. As you will notice Lucy is wearing all the right clothes for shopping at Waitrose. We are fortunate that the bunker Lucy works in has an armoured reinforced glass ceiling. The bunker is virtually impregnable. As a woman Lucy is used to working in these conditions. Since the lunchbox incident Lucy has pretty much resigned herself to inner turmoil mixed with disciplined repetitive zombieism. The test side of Test Track and Trace is not as exciting as Lucy was led to believe. Cheer up Lucy at least you can afford to shop at John Lewis now and dressed like that they’ll welcome you with an open 2 metre cattle prod.

 

Mental health services are being cut just at a time when Diddy Binary really needs some support. Mental health units are closing so S.O.D.U. another subsidiary of ‘S.O.D.O.F.C.O’ are moving in to rescue the public sector. Property owned by central, county, town and parish government are being sold off for peppercorn notional sums. They are seen as a drain on running costs, expensive to heat, maintain and service. Therefore a tender has been requested and S.O.D.I.T developers (Guess who the parent company is?) submitted a proposal for a pilot project that could be rolled out nationally. This is it, looks splendid we could get one of those in every village town and city. Sheds are us the only way to cope.

 

 

Simon has broken down (Perhaps not just the car). It looks like he has run out of oil and says that all of his fluids have disappeared. This is strange because Dominic Cumbersnatch was the last one to use this company car and he knew Simon had to travel from London S.O.D.O.F.C.O Head office to Halifax to get a COVID test. Oh bother whatatodo! Luckily Simon had just been to Waitrose to buy loo roll, pasta, flour and copious amounts of Sipsin Gin. As a statistician, professor of mathematics and probability he has been advising Arthur on his Cleromancy or Divination by dice. The chances of all the fluids in his car running out at the same time are baffling Simon, lots of things are not as he would like, they do not add up, Brexit, COVID19, Climate Change, FinCEN Files, Panama papers, Cambridge Analytics, Dodgy Dossiers, Russians, Chinese and now an invitation from D.O.M. to a holiday in the Ukraine after he has picked up his Moon shot passport (Whatever that is). Luckily though Sipsin Gin is a wonderful hipster craft gin that can turn itself to any adverse circumstance. God bless Prof Sipsin enterprises Hoorah!

 

 

Diddy Binary is having a dream. He has entered R.E.M. He is a smiley and a happy person. In his dream he is reaching out, can feel the little round ball between his thumb and forefinger. He is caressing it gently rolling it around, moving it gradually towards the mid point. He feels the electric current begin to flow. Moves his index finger up to ease the switch from going too far, beyond that sweet spot where ecstasy surges through his body and his whole body responds to the

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzclutszzzzzZZZZZzzch……Ahhhhh. Diddy wakes up where am I he thinks. Oh I remember Molly and the graph paper. Oh dear not again. They just do not make switches like it any more, no buzz, no fun!




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